Dominatrix or Dinner Lady? Putting my Mummy skills to good use.

Don't ask why but I was chatting with a group of friends today about people who "cheer themselves up" with variations on the usual missionary position and wondering how they found out that they liked "it" in less than conventional ways.

We wondered, for instance, how someone might jump to the conclusion that what would really get them excited would be coating themselves in plastic and pretending to be a real life doll.

Apparently there was a TV programme recently about these people - I missed it but just a glance at the online photographs from the programme were enough to convince me that if my DH suddenly confessed to this particular fetish I would not be happy to go along with it.

The conversation meandered as they do to what I will coyly call "dungeon love" (my mum reads this blog!) in the style of Mr Grey.

I admitted that in a way I would love a Mr Grey of my own - if you haven't read the 50 shades books let me explain. He's a  young, handsome, ridiculously rich man who insists his girlfriends sleep a lot, eat well and let him take them shopping. Where do I sign up?

OK I wouldn't be happy about the dungeon love related pain but let's face it - anyone who knows me in real life knows I do not exactly fit into a submissive role anyway.

Which led my odd little mind on another track. Could I use the skills I have developed as a mother of 7 to became a dominatrix? Apologies if you are a real one, no offence meant, but I think I'd be really good at ordering some bloke about.

I spend much of my life enforcing rules, being strict and being in charge of the children. I use tone of voice and body language to make sure they know who is top dog. Generally a look or a sharp word is enough to get at least the younger ones to step back into line when they get a bit cheeky. If all I had to do to make a living out of these skills was squeeze into some PVC and lead guys around on dog leads I think I'd be a natural.

Admittedly many of the skills I have mentioned here equally apply to me being a good dinner lady at school which is appealing in that I wouldn't have to talc my clothes to get into them or wear high heels which frankly make my tired old feet hurt.

Yes in restrospect I think ordering businessmen with a fetish for bossy woman around would get rather dull -I think I'll use my powers for good instead and save my best Paddington Bear hard stares for the kids when they are messing about in public.