Monday, 15 August 2016

Would You Pick me? My hypothetical online dating profile.Most definitely TMI. You have been warned.

Let me start by saying I am in no way single. I am not considering actually signing up to a dating site or leaving my husband of almost 25 years. Sorry Ray. You are stuck with me.

But in the last couple of years I have witnessed friends suddenly plunged into the world of online dating and seen how conversely horrific and hilarious it can be.

I have seen it can be successful. Relationships don't always work out for a variety of reasons and it doesn't matter if you met online, in a nightclub or at a pottery class, but the simple fact is online dating can be a faster and more effective way of finding people who have at least some of the qualities you are looking for than a decade of lurking in pubs.

It's not all Chardonnay and moonlit walks though, despite what the ads might show. If my friends experiences are anything to go by it's relentlessly being rejected or rejecting, flicking through photos and feeling bad for being judgmental in a split second.

It's copy and pasting initial emails and waiting sometimes fruitlessly for a reply. It's being pragmatic enough to arrange a drink date not a dinner so you can escape quickly if Mr or Miss Right is really Mr/Ms Wrong.

It made me wonder how I would fare online. My conclusion was that if I was honest in filling out my profile I would not, on paper, make a good catch. I've had a go at creating a hypothetical profile - honestly. Would you pick me?

Profile Picture. This is me, on a good day, with a tan, in flattering light. My hair is short because I got fed up of having to keep dying my greying hair. I am relaxed on holiday (without the children) at my mum's village in Cyprus. I am possibly (definitely) slightly pissed. The glasses hide my permanent dark eye bags.


This is me after dragging two children into London. Admire my wrinkles, multiple chins and those eye bags. Which photo  do you think I would put on my profile? 



Name: madmumof7. Yes. 7 kids. All out my own actual body. Which has not come out of it well. Is that the sound of screaming I hear as you run for the hills?

If anyone gets past that....

Age. 47. Yes. 47. I'm not going to have another baby with you. I have wrinkles, greying hair and a slightly world-weary approach to pretty much everything if I am honest.  My breasts are OK, not too droopy but only because I have had surgery  which went a bit wrong so they are scarred.

Talking of scars, all of those 7 children were born by C-section so I have a proper good scar where my so-called bikini line is. On the plus side the lack of any vaginal birth means my lady area is not too baggy. Oh, but since I am menopausal and not doing so well with that, I do have a prolapse "down there" and not everything works as it did.  I may even occasionally wee myself a little. Sorry. TMI- I did warn you.

Hobbies and Interests. Ferrying my children to all of their social events. Sleeping. Plucking stray hairs from odd places. Sleeping. Groaning when I get up from sitting. Groaning when I bend or try to kneel. Sleeping.

I do have hobbies and interests really but not much time to enjoy them.  Did I mention the 7 kids? When I was younger I would have listed hot air ballooning, reading, dancing, travel, writing....

Well I do a lot of writing.

How would I describe myself? Loyal unless crossed then I am your worst nightmare. Chatty, a good cook (and not just fishfingers) and reliable unless the brain fog has descended and then I am...what's that word again? Oh yes, forgetful.

I like pina coladas. Not keen on walking in the rain. I don't mind yoga and on a good day I have more than half a brain. I like the feel of the ocean but I'm really not sure about making love at midnight - I'll probably  have been asleep for three hours by then. And as for making love in the dunes. Sand and a vaginal prolapse don't mix.



I'm definitely not much into health food and I am into Champagne. Although nowadays I think I prefer Prosecco.

If you have absolutely no idea what I am talking about you are too young for me - I think like the subject of the song I will stick with the love of my life, my husband of almost 25 years, and hope he never leaves me!

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