Thursday, 10 April 2014

The Duchess can bend her knees! Meanwhile, back in the real world....

I used to be a journalist so I like to keep my finger on the pulse of current affairs. Unfortunately since I have a large family and am always insanely busy the days of browsing the broadsheets and tabloids for an hour every day are largely gone and now I rely on a quick flick through the news apps on my phone to keep me up to date.

The idea is I see what's happening in brief then explore further via the internet if there's something I am interested in. Great idea but since one of the apps I use to keep me informed is a tabloid famous for narrow views and an obsession with so-called celebs it often means my blood pressure is boiling before I've even had my morning cuppa!

English: Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, on h...
Hair; Lush and lovely or lank and listless?
 Who cares?

Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, on her first royal tour, visiting Ottawa for Canada Day celebrations. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Often this is because of the sheer banality of the "news" they report and sometimes its because of the eye-poppingly stupid and sadly dangerous views of "real life" this (and similar media organisations) present.

In this week's episode of "OMG-that's not news in any way shape or form" we had a picture captioned with the astounding words:"Kate bends down to pick her baby up." No! Really? The little Prince hasn't learned to levitate yet? Or was the newspaper commenting on the fact that a mother, albeit a Royal mother, picked her own baby up even though the nanny was in the room. Woop-de-do!

Other captions from the "story" were that another 8 month old baby playing at a set-up-for-the-press playdate picked up a toy and"seemed to be trying to put it into her mouth!"  As babies do of course.

An update today on the Royal tour of New Zealand proclaimed proudly that: "the Duchess bent down to speak to children...."  Wow! She's really getting the hang of that bending the knees thing isn't she?

But not her own hair apparently as the news app reminded us several times that she has her own personal hairdresser who "coiffed" her casual looped pony tail. Although we were told that "critics" have called for Kate to chop her locks after she appeared with her mane (is she a horse?) looking "messy and lank"  and "straggly and unkempt" in February (baby hormones dropping out of her system?)

Since the young Prince seemed to enjoy pulling her hair in NZ maybe this was a good reason to cut it now they asked. He even "inserted her hair into his mouth" Gasp! Apparently Camilla has advised her to change her hair and go shorter and lighter - I am making no comment on this ( don't want to end up in the Tower) but just think how you'd feel if your MIL tried to give you style advice. Yep.

A "source" accused her of letting the side down. Gah! It's hair - she's just had a baby and, oh yes, it doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. I wish she'd go for a bright pink crop  accessorised with a couple of facial piercings - that'd show em!

Flicking through other news - everyone coming out the the woodwork to talk about poor Peaches, more pings from the missing plane and lots of dull stuff about politicians being caught being creative with expenses and tweeting things inappropriately, then you get to the round up of how the rich and famous have spent their week.

madmumof 7 in shalwaar kameez.
careful pose to hide belly!
On holiday mostly it seems with the phrase "showing off her bikini body" being bandied around frequently. And pity the poor celeb - and I use that word loosely as I haven't heard of most of them- who has put on a lb or two. Poor Kelly Osborne who looks amazing BTW was the feature of a snippy article today which implied she only looked thin because she knew how to pose for the camera.

They said she looked "considerably different"  and "noticeably curvier" before the event when she was hurrying along the streets in flats and not posing. Well so what! At least she wasn't photoshopped into ultra-thin-ness. I am currently practising Kelly's pose in the hope it will disguise my less-than-bikini body in pictures. One of my friends used to be a model and she has already helped by teaching me ways to stand to make the most of myself in photos - no harm in that I feel!

Another article commented on some relative of a pregnant Towie girl who "revealed her slender frame while sporting a striking bikini." Oh, and by the way, she suffers from Crohns, an inflammatory bowel condition which can cause diarrhoea, nausea abdominal pain and weight loss, they informed us. So are they saying she's only thin because she has Crohns? Or that lucky her, she's thin because she has Crohns? I'd rather be fat frankly!

In one day alone the app used these phrases: toned waist, tanned and toned waist, slim and confident and "showcased seemingly endless pins" (pins? Really? we are still using that word?) Meanwhile I am showcasing my pale and pasty skin in a baggy pair of pyjamas not really hiding my seemingly stumpy pins and my flabby mummy-tummy. Later I may slap on some fake tan and don something more flattering in a bid to not frighten passers-by. Or maybe I won't. Either way I won't feel like I've achieved or failed at something.

Make-up is another worry - another snippy line informing us that new mum Kim Kardashian sported (sported?) a full face of make-up "no doubt to hide her tired eyes". Ouch!
Then "besties" Taylor Swift and Cara Delivingne (who?) were lined up next to each other so we could be told that Taylor (showcasing her seemingly endless pins)  was nicely made up with "just the right amount" of liner and lipstick drawing attention to her naturally plump pout. Cara's face apparently appeared to be free of makeup as she "let her natural beauty shine."

THIS IS NOT NEWS!

madmumof7 in bikini blogging in Cyprus
madmumof7 showcases her bikini body with her
 seemingly endless flab and carelessly uncoiffed hair
(whilst DH photobombs in the background)
I'm sorry if I sound ranty this morning but FFS! I know I brought it on myself by clicking the app open but when I was a journalist we were taught to report the news not comment on it. Unless you were a commentator or a columnist. Opinion and conjecture seems to be the mainstay of "news" now and it irritates the cr*p out of me! Rant over. Now I'm off to coiff my hair and sport some make-up.





Enhanced by Zemanta

14 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

    ReplyDelete
  2. That is a top photobomb! :D
    I must say I don't read them, I glance at the pictures and try to avoid what the words actually say because I know I'll just be infuriated by the drivel. I'm totally with you on that - but not with the flab comment - you look great in a bikini! And you can bend at the knee! You're clearly blessed :D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Too kind! It really is drivel though isn't it? I have no clue who they are talking about half the time.

      Delete
  3. In the Metro, the royal baby had the front page as well as 2 whole pages inside! It pretty much described everything the he did at that baby group...

    Saying that, I was in the news as a baby

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. you were - because mummy (me) worked for a newspaper!

      Delete
  4. OK I actually snorted a bit reading this - especially the last pic with the photo bombing incident - too funny! You are so right. Of course. And why are you not still a journalist? x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. After three children childcare costs were more than my income - journos don't earn much! And I missed them!

      Delete
  5. Absolutely love this! I'm pleased to say I don't read the tabloids, but I do read Heat so I am far too up on celebs that aren't really celebs and TV programmes I don't watch. I don't mind a quick snap of a nice outfit, but it doesn't warrant several columns of analysis. And as for bikini bodies. Grrr! Can't we just have bodies? Normal ones?

    ReplyDelete
  6. I've never bought any of the celebrity magazines as they don't interest me but I did flick through a couple at the hairdressers this week. I know they're supposed to be light entertainment but they really were full of inane and pointless (to me) articles. Also I didn't know most of the people in them which made me feel very old! #pocolo

    ReplyDelete
  7. I made a lot of sentences and words before this but not good enough. I just decided to tell you that this is a nice post and you wrote all the words that I have inside me! So honest. #pocolo

    ReplyDelete
  8. Brilliant photo bomb! You're so right, and I get wound up about what seems to constitute 'news'. I avoid it all now, to be honest.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I agree with you. I can't believe that someones appearance is considered newsworthy. It is mostly women they talk about though isn't it. You don't get whole articles about men debating their choices of hair style. It is very frustrating. #pocolo

    ReplyDelete
  10. Great post Afra and I totally agree with you. I'm just glad that the press thought fit to pay tribute to the wonderful writer Sue Townsend who sadly passed away this week. My personal favourite, however, was how much Press Lindsay Lohan got about staying sober for one weekend whilst at a festival. Who knew you could get 1,000 words out of that!!!! . #PoCoLo

    ReplyDelete
  11. I totally and utterly agree with you - sometimes the reporting I read is totally preposterous!! LOVE that photo bomb! Brilliant! Thank you for linking to PoCoLo :) x

    ReplyDelete

I'd love feedback- but keep it clean and kind.