Miss/Mrs/Mr Blogger 2015- a fantasy Pageant

Hit by insomnia I found myself watching a "fly on the wall" programme on TV at about 4.30am today which briefly featured a woman taking part in a Mrs International competition - like Miss World but for married American women.

The immaculately groomed contestant who obviously thought showcasing teeth 'n tits was the way to success simpered her way through the competition rounds which included a particularly ghastly"trophy wife" tour of the stage on her husband's arm and a cringe-making dance competition with lots of wiggling from contestants wearing identical shiny minidresses.
blogger in drag queen costume
Do I look like a beauty queen? madmumof7 in drag-stylee

My favourite bit was the "interview" during which an elderly man wearing a fascinating toupee asked how our Mrs planned to extend her particular charity to, and I quote, "remote areas of the world. She answered that the charity had offices in the UK and Australia so was already in remote areas of the world. Well that's told us then hasn't it!

In my sleep deprived state I started to wonder if we should ditch the current blogger award competitions and hold Miss/Mrs/Mr Blogger awards instead. Yes it would be a popularity contest but (dare I say it?) most award schemes are already on the whole!

So what rounds would we have? Well forget swimwear. I think conference wear would be better where contestants could wear their outfit of choice. This would showcase everything from sparkly evening wear to leggings and T-shirts. Most contestants would of course be wearing Converse or Hotter on their feet.

blogger on train wearing converse
Blogger's life -comfy trousers and Converse on a train

There would have to be a dance round - possibly led by the Team Honk Danceathon crowd and the MAD Award flashmob crew. I veto shiny mini dresses though.

The talent round could feature weight-lifting (of goody bags) recitation of the train/tube/coach routes and timetables into London which most of us who attend events know off by heart, and memory demonstrations  matching blog names to real names. Or avatars to actual faces - I'm not sure I'd score highly on that one. I'm the woman who stares fixedly at your breast trying to read your name badge even though I've met you ten times already. Sorry about that.

Forget hoping for World Peace- most bloggers would start with hoping for Peace on Social Networks - it's like Armegeddon out there some days. We'd have to ban statements about hoping to work with children or animals as most of us do that already.

I think we might have to add a food element to our Blogger Pageant. I can't decide between an extreme food-eating style comp testing who can eat the most cake in 5 minutes, or a Bake-off style event using random and bizarre ingredients supplied by a PR company with about 5 minutes notice.

We'd certainly have no shortage of official photographers along with a host of people shooting video. Who could we pick to compere such an event? My vote is for George Clooney who always looks hot in a tux or Russell Howard who makes me laugh (plus he's cute in a  quirky kinda way) or Dom Holland who is funny and a blogger.

So whose with me? Who wants the title of Miss/Mrs/Mr Blogger. No restrictions on age, gender, ethnicity, sexuality... we might actually have the first ever all inclusive pageant in the world!

Oh by the way - the simpering Mrs came third by the way.