A short one about a short woman and tights.

So I am, shall we say, vertically challenged. And a prolific bargain hunter. These two aspects of my physical self and personality came together this week to create a situation which seems to have amused my friends so I thought Id share the tale here.

I was in a supermarket recently and as always couldn't resist perusing the "bargain" shelf. Imagine my delight when I saw dozens of pairs of tights from thick woolly to sheer patterned designs all reduced in price to just 9p. Yes! Nine of your shiny English pennies could buy me tights which were marked with an original price of £5.99.  I gleefully loaded up my trolley with pretty much all the tights.

Next day whilst choosing my outfit for the day I decided upon a cosy tunic and knitted tights. Luckily I had just bought lovely black knitted tights for 9p hadn't I? What I hadn't realised was that they were designed not for short people, not even for those of average height but for taller people. I would say taller ladies but I gather that blokes have taken to wearing cosy tights under trousers nowadays - very sensible.

Not deterred I pulled on the lovely soft tights all the way up to my bra. At a push I could have pulled them up to my neckline TBH.


I anticipated crotch saggage throughout the day. Then I remembered an old trick from my schooldays when I discovered that if you put another pair of knickers, Superman-style, over your tights it stopped them falling down.

They need to be big knickers really though so I went grovelling in my drawer and found an old pair of maternity pants.

Let me explain why these are still in my drawer. A friend who was determined she had finished her family threw away all her maternity underwear and then inevitably found she was pregnant with a "surprise!" baby. We vowed then and there to always keep one piece of preggy underwear as some form of superstitious contraception.

Anyway, moving on... So I pulled on my comfy worn greying pants over my tights and was applying deodorant before putting my tunic on when my husband walked into the bathroom.

He blanched. He may have swayed slightly. He looked like he might be sick as he pointed at my undercarriage area and asked why I was wearing such an odd combination of pants/tights/pants.

My explanation did not seem to help his nauseous expression and he backed out of the bathroom.

So here's my top tip ladies - If you are "not in the mood" try copying my attractive outfit - apparently guaranteed to turn your partner well and truly OFF!